Spinning off into hyperspace in flames

Photograph: Mark Enfield/Mark Enfield/Mercury Press/REX/Shutterstock


The Fiver, five-star to the very core of its being, spends more time than is technically necessary on TripAdvisor, leaving ill-tempered, hot-faced, disproportionate reviews of hotels in the wake of stays deemed unsatisfactory to our exacting standards. Perhaps there had been a long queue at check-in. Maybe the complimentary toiletries were not produced using natural oils and perfumes by an artisan apothecary. Or perhaps the minibar was all out of fun-size bottles of Fistfight, the 73.8% ABV turps-flavoured reality suppressor that can just about be soaked up in the morning by a pyramid of half-cooked hash browns so you can get back on the road having finally finished your crying.

As the Marriott span off into hyperspace in flames, tech apparatchiks at everyone’s favourite forum for unaccountably piqued travellers and ironic online troublemakers deleted the entry. But not before Saints themselves had flagged it up on disingenuous outrage-manufacturing social media disgrace Twitter, with a pithy comment of their own: “Just some feedback.” All good knockabout fun, and hopefully it’s calmed down Ailsa from Home and Away a bit, because despite Saints having effectively saved their Premier League skin by beating a miserable Swansea side, he was still raging post-match over the hostelry hoo-hah. “It helped our focus, we used it as a motivating factor, we suspected that maybe some of the dark arts were at play.” A scattergun, some would say overly sensitive, attack on the travel industry which thankfully stopped short of claiming the staff at Kuoni are all Portsmouth stooges, or accusing the woman from the Trivago ad of looking at him in a funny way.


“I hate him, this [email protected]! He’s such a difficult player to play against. Tall and strong as well. It’s been fun to play against him, even though it’s difficult. To be able to find an opponent to play against me and stop me … there’s few of them, but [he] was one of the close ones who was able to give me problems … a good, good player” – Yaya Touré is careful not to forget to give his ego a massive stroke while joining José Mourinho’s Nemanja Matic fan club.

Photograph: Manchester City Football Club/PA

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