Finally getting rid of Arsène Wenger

Photograph: David Price/Arsenal FC via Getty Images


Considering the vast amounts of money so many people pay to spend their leisure time at football matches, The Fiver struggles to understand why so many of them seem to hate being at them. There are infinitely cheaper ways of reducing oneself to the state of angry, snarling, mouth-foaming maniac over the course of two hours, as anyone who has ever been put on hold by [insert pertinent energy/airline/mobile/insurance company name here] will readily testify. So on a fairly pointless final day of the league season that had about it an air of “School’s Out”, The Fiver’s c0ckles were warmed by almost unprecedented scenes at Huddersfield, where a Premier League football match was staged and almost every single person present seemed deliriously happy.

In other unprecedented scenes, Wenger engaged in much unWengerlike behaviour: milking applause from all four sides of the ground, bowing with a flourish and gambolling across the pitch and down the tunnel, giving it a McCartney-esque two-thumbs aloft for the last time as Arsenal manager. “I should have announced every week I retire,” he said. “People are so nice since I said that. I think what will remain is the formidable human aspect of the last 22 years – that is special and I will cherish that. I had fantastic human experiences at the club, above the results, it was a human adventure.” On Sunday Wenger found himself drenched in the milk of universal human kindness. It was uncharacteristically warm, gloopy, civilised behaviour unbecoming of a football match and The Fiver didn’t like it.


“Hopeless. We were training for cakes and Irn-Bru every day when we needed to be preparing for big games in the Premiership … His track record wasn’t great. He had a couple of relegations under his belt. But I don’t want to bad-mouth him too much” – Ross County midfielder Michael Gardyne fails pretty substantially, as he describes Owen Coyle after the club’s Scottish Premiership relegation.

Photograph: Gary Calton/The Observer

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